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SAMPLES
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Dear usoFyne,
My job sucks eggs. I'm tired all the time. And worst of all, I'm suffering from major usoFyne withdrawal! Help Me... please. Cranky in California
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Dear Cranky in California, So treat yourself to something fabulous today, and tonight after you're done with your egg-sucking job, play some twilight golf, go get some swanky cocktails, or take a dip in someone's swimming pool. Whatever makes you feel brand new, whatever makes you feel like the opening strains to a soap opera theme song are playing in your heart. Cause we here at usoFyne, want you to know that you're tha bomb, sugar-sweetness! Dream of white-feathered chariots gliding across heaven, dream of Journey songs in the wind, dream of ice cold bottles of Thunderbird and Nighttrain. We love you. Tbooms
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Dear usoFyne,
today's my birthday, and not too many friends (and family) seem to have remembered that today is my day. i always remember theirs, so, i'm kind'a feeling bummed out. i need sunshine from people who care :) thanks, b-day blues
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B-Day Smiles!
HAPPY MOTHERLOVIN' BIRTHDAY! You came to the right place friend, for we are, indeed, "people who care." We care far more than words can say, but unfortunately one can't send hugs and kisses and gifts and gold and flowers and frosty beverages through email, so words will have to do. And in honor of your birthday, we now bring you some extra special fyne fyne birthday wishes! And in a global first, you'll get an ego massage from not just one luvly usoFyner, but a Baker's Trio! Jedediah "Doc" Spectrum writes: "I don't know which is more staggering: The fyne style of your sparkling eyes or the super-fly vibe of your sweet-sweet soul. I don't know, but it don't bother me. It's ALL good, dear, every iota, utterance, and pore. Your path through the world is trailed by invisible roses of cosmic love, and your breath brings energy to scores of really cute invisible puppies." D'Honey Slim writes: "Sugarlicious baby sweets, if you're not feeling rainbow fresh and tropical spunky already, then get kickin' to the nearest mirror and admire your delectable facial features and your bedazzling smile. Check your soul for malfunction, 'cause between your mad genius smarts and your humongously good heart, you deserve it all. Woooweee!!" S. Balderdash writes: "You are a precious gem amongst the craggy rocks. You've got the looks, the brains, the sense of humor, all packed in a fuzzy and touchable velour wrapping - but the print is leopard! Watch out! Myself and several other usoFyne staff members continually look for the aromatic candle or bubble-bath that is made from your essence so we can soak in your heavenly vibe through all the pores of our skin." B.J. Hilife writes: "You are like a cool glass of iced tea on a hot Tennessee night. If I could take you for a ride on my Harley everyday I would (if I had a Harley) and we could sit and drink vodka on the rocks and I could listen to you talk about all that intelligent stuff you talk about and I would be amazed like all of the people who come across your loveliness. You are a beacon in the seas, for all of us who need to believe that there still are amazing people out there who make this world special. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to talk about you and your special sauce." HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELOVED! U R O SO FYNE! Yours,
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Dear usoFyne,
Please send my pal Stan some love. He isn't liking his job too much lately - he works so much he doesn't get any smoke breaks! Thanks, Evil Eileen |
Stan, you freakin' stud!! Well, if you're still wondering what the hell's going on, take it back to your friend, Evil Eileen. She contacted our little thang here knowing that you might need a little ego boost love. And she knows what she's doing, 'cause we can't help ourselves. Stan, break out of that gutter, stallion. I know being chained to the desk without even a smokey-smoke break can suck the fat one. Jobs jobs jobs, bosses bosses bosses, blow me blow me BLOW ME!! - that's what you should be saying to that. You've got style, spunk, the good looks, the sultry eyes, the friends that love you, that beautiful girlfriend, you've got it all. So I say, slap that nasty gloom out of your system. Go home to a bloody mary and a dose of your favorite R&R, and remember what Evil Eileen and us folks at usoFyne already know, you are the sh*t, and can kick-it the way you want it. Your massive cool cannot be taken away. And if for whatever reason that doesn't work, then just come back to us, 'cause we'll be ready to pour on some more thick love. It's what we do. Keep it shaking, brother. D'Honey Slim
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